Hooey Express:

Hitler Hates Smart Meters

2011-10-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

Unlike other entries at Hooey, here is actual, true, never before released footage taken of Hitler caught ranting against smart meters. Okay, Hitler did rant about lots of stuff, too much to mention here. But this new film exposes the history books' glaring gap about Hitler's smart meter obsession.

The highly revealing film was discovered in a little old man's cob-webbed apartment attic in British Columbia after he married a large 22-year-old divorce and quickly moved to Paris, France. The next tenant found the artifact as she was cleaning the attic. "It was covered with dust, but I knew it was important," said Crystal Cleare. After viewing the clip in an old pawn shop, she decided to donate it to the current anti-smart meter folks in B.C., and they posted it on YouTube for all the world to see.

One might think the dangerous dictator would have welcomed smart meters as potential spy tools to find and weed out traitors and undesirables in his own communities. But no. He just got agitated with the whole idea, clueless to the power over people's lives he could have gained with such a tool. Ah, well, he was a tyrant of his time, and lucky for them he could not imagine beyond. And lucky for us we do not have any power-starved leaders today, who would want to use smart meters to gather data about us and control our energy use. Phew!

Malvina Reynolds' "Little Boxes" - recycled

2009-11-27T16:04:00.001-08:00

Little Boxes (recycled for utopia)

Little boxes in the village
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky,
Little boxes, little boxes,
Little boxes, all the same.
There’s a lock-box thermostat one
And a chilly solar-heated one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they all got put in boxes,
Little boxes, all the same.
There are global warming experts
And community organizers,
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all think just the same.

And they all get public health care
And all are vegetarians
And they all have just one child
Like the government allows.
And the children go in the youth corps
And then to the university,
And they all get put in boxes
And they all come out the same.

And the kids intern with Acorn
And have sex and have abortions,
And they all drive small electric cars,
Little boxes, all the same.
There are taxes and more taxes
That they never think to ask about
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all act just the same.

(audio version here recorded with permission of Founding Mothers.)

"Little Boxes" song from 1962 - recycled by Founding Mothers Band

2009-11-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

Audri Eriksson of the steamy country band Founding Mothers talked about their latest single in an exclusive insider interview with Hooey last night. Audri – short for Audumla, which means Scandinavian Cow of Creation – said she wrote new lyrics to the old Malvina Reynolds song, “Little Boxes,” because the 1960s idea had come full circle. "Today, the 60's radicals have become the status quo. Let's see who the ticky-tacky conformists are now!" said the svelte, buxom 22-year-old.

Reynolds' “Little Boxes” was the shortest song to make it to the top ten single charts – just 62 seconds long. It was sung in classrooms and on radio around the world, spreading a concise distaste for the U.S.of A., Ericksson said. “The original song coined the term ticky-tacky but was just plain tacky: it described America as a society of cookie-cutter conformity. But there’s a whole new batch of cookies in the oven now, and it’s time to pull them out and see what we’ve got," said the singer-songwriter.

Founding Mothers leaves behind their up-beat drive for a laid-back, folksy sound in the new tune. Besides, if they played "Little Boxes" at their usual lively speed, it would all be over in about 5 to 8 seconds, admits Ericksson. “I did not want to depart from Malvina’s basic feeling, but Founding Mothers does add its own little touches. Nissa’s guitar and vocal backup has some surprises, Annie Bear blends her bass-line in like melting chocolate, and Bridge goes light on the drums, with just a few flutters to keep things moving along," she said.

So, how did the band got started and where are they from? Audri chuckled, “Believe it or not, we’re all Minnesota gals. We actually grew up together in Lake Wobegon, except our bass player Annie Bear, who’s from Fairbanks, Alaska, and a descendent of Annie the bear killer. The rest of us grew up in Wobegon thinking we were all above average, and that confidence made the difference. Our singer/guitarist Nissa Svensson – you know Nissa means friendly elf – and drummer Birgit Larsson – Bridge for short – and I all went to Lake Wobegon High. We just started jamming one day after school to throw something together for a talent show, and we haven’t stopped since.”

When asked if the Founding Mothers knew Garrison Keillor of Lake Wobegon, and what they thought of the famous resident, Ericksson shook her sleek blond head and said, “Good old Gary did put Wobegon on the map. But my family lived on the other side of the tracks from him, and we did not have much contact. And today I see the man acting like he’s the cat-in-the-hat’s pajamas, writing hateful political stuff. It’s sad the way he beats up on folks for their politics. I mean, lots of those same people listened to his Prairie Home Companion for years,” said Ericksson.

Founding Mothers is not to be confused with any other real or imagined band by the same name, especially a co-ed progressive group from California that recorded a cd called Constitution. "We are the real thing," insisted Eriksson, who credits her four-woman band for giving her unfettered freedom of expression. But some fans have not been as open-minded. "We have had a few grown-ups whining like colicky babies about our politics, but that’s life,” she said, flashing her fierce blue Nordic eyes.

The Founding Mothers “Little Boxes - recycled for Utopia" should be available as a single through i-Tunes and played on spunky country stations nationwide. The band gave Hooey exclusive permission to reprint the lyrics, which remain under copyright by their rightful author. See lyrics in post above this article.

2009 Political Horror Photos Not Fake Enough

2009-10-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

Hooey simply could not bend its high internal standards to run a particular spread of 2009 horror photos of politicians and pundits, despite pleas from the photographer, whose work has been banned in Liechtenstein due to an accident she was accused of causing during the Horned Sledge Races earlier this year. Our editors felt her latest undoctored collection and its underlying message was not fake enough for our readers' tastes, though we have agreed to provide the link here for anyone who wishes to see the controversial images. So, viewer, beware. And Happy Halloween.

No More Melting Pot, Ethnic Independents Insist

2009-10-26T09:47:00.001-07:00

"Other groups don't melt into the American pot, why should we anymore?" asked Polish Independent Jerzy Jarosław, age 35, in Yew Nork City yesterday. Jarosław no longer calls himself an American, or even a Polish-American. "To be an American no longer means so much," said the Pole, who was born and raised in Yew Nork. "Other ethnic and religious groups only look out for themselves, and now we are going to do the same," he said.

Jarosław is part of a growing movement of ethnic and religious groups that have been passed over in America for special consideration that other groups get. These ethnic independents refuse to keep playing second fiddle. For example, Jarosław is demanding the public school teach his children in Polish, even though he does not speak it at home at the moment. His 32-year-old wife, Bindi, who has Australian roots, wants the school to also expose their children to her native culture. "I'm no nong. Other groups have classes about their heritage in the schools. My kids deserve equal time," she said.

The de-Americanization movement is working to reach all levels of government and the private sector. Finnish tenor Valtteri Virtanen of Yew Nork is fighting for government and legal documents to be available in his native tongue. "They have stuff printed in Spanish, Hmong and Chinese everywhere. Inhottava, ilkeä! Finnish should be next," the 19-year-old insisted.

German Independent Abelard Bachmeier is ready to reclaim the rich heritage that his name implies: Abelard means resolute keeper of the abbey larder, and Bachmeier is a farmer by the brook. "It would be hard to get back to my abbey larder roots in the city, but at least, it is worth a try," Bachmeier said. The 50-year-old Yew Norker said the U.S. government should drop all rules for legal immigrants im Augenblick. "Why should some people get all the jobs and free stuff just for being sneaky?" he asked.

Ethnic independents pride themselves on their moral high ground in the struggle for equal treatment. Yet, one hurdle has been communicating at their meetings, since speaking in English is discouraged unless one's family comes from Great Britain, Australia, or some other English-speaking country. This makes a consensus difficult.

However, the group does not give up easily, despite being ignored by society's powers-that-be. At a recent meeting in a smoke-free basement on 9th Avenue, Bachmeier called for a vote on the question, should we keep going? What followed was a resounding but unintelligible answer:
"Oui" "Hai" "Ndiyo" "tak" "Eya" "Igen" "Aiwa" "a-yo" "Ja" "Da" "Ha" "Ta"
In other words, yes!

"Of course, we say yes. After all, this is America," said Bachmeier.

House to Vote on Music Reform Bill

2009-10-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

The House will vote next week on the National Music Reform bill, HR1&da2&da, despite dissonance from the House minority, which cannot be heard above the majority's unison voice. Provisions in the bill include a nationwide mandate that bans the musical note, B-flat. House Majority Leader Fanci Morosi said the note has long been a symbol of unfair power in concert and marching bands, where it was favored as the tuning pitch everyone had to match. "The privileged tone dominates many brass fanfares, and we just want to even the playing field for all pitches," she said.

HR1&da2&da also calls for a new national music tax on any person or group performing, teaching or improvising anywhere at any time, professional or amateur. And that includes people singing in the shower. Morosi said she and her fellow legislators got the idea from the British government, which made a woman who was singing for no apparent reason in her shop fork over money for a performing licence.

The new shower song tax will be phased in using self-reporting on people's tax forms at first. Later, every shower head in America will be required to have a song meter attachment to log impromptu outbursts of "Singing in the Rain," "Nessun dorma," "Jai Ho," or anything passing for music. Tapping on the soap rack or snapping the washcloth in rhythm may result in a higher tax rate.

Tax proceeds from song meter readings would be used to fund new glockenspiel bands, as well as subsidize existing glock groups. Morosi said, "Glockenspiel musicians are a downtrodden class that deserve our support." The congresswoman praised a recent song by a young British band that honors bell players everywhere. She encouraged America's songwriters and composers to apply for the new National Endowment for the Arts grants to create glockenspiel pieces for the President's civilian army to march to. "Glock music is a personal favorite of President Skruyew, and we in the congressional majority share his commitment to raise the status of this long-ignored group," said Morosi.

President Names Music Czar, Pushes for Reforms

2009-10-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

President Weeil Skruyew held an upbeat news conference this morning to introduce his latest czar, Franz Liszp, to counsel him in musical matters of state. Liszp is the creator and leader of the Government Glock Band (GGB) - a lockstep group of eighty-one half-cocked glockenspiel players that plays regularly at White House events. The conductor's heavy touch has tamed the glockenspielers to wait until the downbeat is given.

The President said Liszp comes from a verbally challenged background, but overcame his difficulty with consonant blends through giant gum ball diction exercises. The daily gum routines did not fix anything. But chewing huge wads in a thoughtful way caused the maestro to accept his limitations and rise above them to solfege prominence.

Critics of the self-made musician say his authoritarian conducting beliefs are dangerous. And there have been numerous claims of injuries from flying fragments of his batons that snapped in the leader's over-zealous interpretations. But Skruyew stood by his choice, insisting, "Liszp's experience is invaluable in these aurally undisciplined times."

Indeed, the appointment of the strict taskmaster comes at a time when the crash of the Music Business is hurting many Americans' ears. Liszp claimed the discord between unequal styles and voices across the country is drowning out the perfect harmony the administration wants for all Americans. "We pledge to end the confuthing cacophony that keepth Americanth from hearing the one true muthic," said Liszp.

President Skruyew has recently come under fire for supporting unpopular music reforms introduced in the Senate, especially new national tuning standards, which could carry fines and prison time in a soundproof cell for those who do not comply. He will be attending the United Nations Audio Climate Change Conference in Vienna in November at the Musikverein to discuss with the most imposing nations how to implement the goal of worldwide tonal justice.

Giant Pumpkin at White House Draws Protest

2009-10-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

Squash rights expert and activist Dr. Ima Seedhead is enraged that a giant pumpkin from Eagle River, Wisconsin, estimated at 900 to 1,000 pounds, is being escorted to the White House to be gruesomely carved up in the trick or treat festivities. "Where is the sense of outrage at the treatment of this differently-abled curcubita?" asked Seedhead.

"This so-called Presidential Pumpkin has been isolated from a natural environment and nurtured into an oversized power symbol with the mental capacity of a pebble, kind of like some politicians," said the veggie-loving scientist. "That might explain the government's move to put the huge thing on a display in Washington - before cutting it down to size to show who's really boss," she added.

Dr. Seedhead serves as Chief Squash Scientist, and spokesperson for People Against Pumpkin Abuse (PAPA), a division of Vegetable Ethics Group out in Leftfield, California. The group plans a masked protest on the White House lawn to correspond with what it calls a "carving atrocity." PAPA will be handing out orange masks at the event to protesters, who will plant their feet firmly in the nation's front yard to root for the oppressed species.

Pumpkin Troops Surge, But Squashism Prevails

2009-10-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

Curcubita scarecrow reinforcements miraculously appeared shortly before the people were scheduled to arrive at the pumpkin selling field today. The measly surge consisted of one stalwart but homely troop (pictured above) strategically positioned directly across from his matronly counterpart at the corn maze entrance.

It is not yet clear whether an ambush is in the plan or if once again the pumpkiny powers-that-be have dropped their promise for effective action against the humans. Rumors have been rolling that this war is unwinnable and the two troops should come home, as the Curcubina maxima leader continues to appease the enemy, resulting in business-as-usual pumpkin use.

This photo, taken by a mud-embedded reporter, reveals the lack of progress in the cucurbitacaea's struggle against being sold and bought by humans.

Offenses against these members of the vegetable kingdom, including full-blown squashism, continue to rot modern society. But that does not stop their futile attempts to win respect.

Matron Pumpkin-head Guards Maize Maze

2009-10-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

A few select pumpkins are chosen for seasonal jobs out in the fields, including this matron, who keeps watch over the entryway to a corn maze in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, most of her peers - even the seediest, brightest orange-heads of all - are not as lucky in their dealings with humans (see shocking report from October 15).

For now, this unidentified Cucurbita maxima is not complaining, and quietly does her job, though there has been murmuring in the pumpkin patch that she should take advantage of her position and smash the oppressor from above. Of course, the humans would probably only laugh at her efforts, maybe even make a new horror clip for YouTube called (hang onto your stems) - The Pumpkins. Some experts believe such a story would help pumpkins scare a little respect into people. Others say, forget it, citing the example of The Birds film, which did nothing to improve the status of avian creatures.

There has also been talk of a green-strike somewhere down the vine, but this year's crop has already ripened. Of course, if the current climate cooling trend continues, a future green-strike would become impossible, since nature would cap the growing season, taking the oomph out of an organized protest.

Pumpkin Gets the Chair: a shocking report

2009-10-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

One Lumberjack correspondent caught this disturbing view of what they do to free-thinking Cucurbita maxima in certain dark corners of the globe. Political pumpkins that protest risk prison - and worse. One misstep in those primitive but pristine backwaters and giant orange heads will roll - right into the lap of capital punishment.

Thanks to Lumberjack Thomas for exposing the pulpy truth about what goes on on the desktop photoshop in his neck of the woods.

Pumpkin Rights: a New Concept Whose Time Has Come

2009-10-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

Recent studies have shed light on the feelings of our vegetable friends. Dr. Ima Seedhead of Vegetable Ethics Group (VEG) works with the behavior of gourds, specializing in pumpkins. She has discovered our orange-headed brothers and sisters actually feel pain, negating previous studies, which were all biased anyways.

Seedhead said, “Though we cannot hear it without amplification, the gentle pumpkin will swear softly under its breath when carved up for Halloween. We can no longer deny the abuse of this somewhat advanced life-form that prefers to keep its feelings hidden beneath its cheerful shell."

"Yet, the most disturbing experience for a pumpkin is to be tenderly milk-fed for months, only to be rolled off to the fair, where humans gawk, and eventually make it into pies,” bemoaned Seedhead, who has a Ph-D and is out-standing in her field.

VEG has lawyers on call to handle the expected onslaught of October lawsuits involving vegetable matters. At long last, gourds of all persuasions can receive the representation they deserve, said Seedhead. The division dealing with these sensitive seasonal cases is called People Against Pumpkin Abuse (PAPA). PAPA is working hard to change the image of the pumpkin to a respectable life-form that just wants to be left in peace to rot on its little plot of dirt, but with images like this and this, they clearly have an uphill battle.

VEG has been awarded stimulus seed money from the government to continue its community garden activism on behalf of those who cannot speak out for themselves. The non-profit organization, which happily accepts donations, can be reached at www.vegdefensefund.org.